My dad said: “If you don’t feel like swimming 200 mtr backstroke, you just don’t swim” It was not an option for me not to follow through my commitment.
Early June, Tansu asked me if I want to swim a relay race, I jumped at the opportunity to swim, race and reconnect with my childhood friends in the pool that I trained twice a day for years. In addition to four relay team races, I signed up for individual races, including 200 mtr backstroke, 400 mtr freestyle, and 200 mt medley thinking that I am better at long distance than a sprint. In reality, the distance between 50 mt-400 mt doesn’t matter for me. It is all short. And it is all scary.
I got that stomach ache on the day of the 200 mtr backstroke race, I used to have the same ache when my dad was going to drop me off to the kindergarten. We would be in a bus, he would hold my stomach, and I would be dropped off anyway. That pain came out. Something bad is going to happen! Am I going to humiliate myself? Am I going to finish last? Am I going to even finish the race? Am I going to disappoint my team mates?
Is it the day I cry in front of 100’s? Is it the day I drown in front of 100’s? Do I end up holding the lanes? What if I cannot fulfill something that I am committed? I am committed to all 7 races and everyone is talking about medals.
Take your marks, whistle… I don’t even know how to go fast in the backstroke. I just go. I may kick little faster, but that’s it. I give my all when I am committed. That’s all I can give anyway, my all. What if my all is not enough?
Here is my answer. Here is my therapy. If I cannot complete my commitment, I deal with it within my capacity- it is ok. I am the hardest to myself. In reality, no one cares how fast I swim 200 mtr backstroke. Seriously no one cares, but me. Why would I beat myself for something that doesn’t affect my life but my ego? I quit serving my ego. When they announced the 200 mtr butterfly masters, there were 4 lines of swimmers. I adored them with their hanging skin and tight speedos. I respected them for putting themselves on the starting block. When they started, I pitied at least 2 of the 4. How would they complete 4 laps! They all did. But it doesn’t matter if they did or not. I give them a medal for bringing themselves up on the starting point.
On my 5th race, I did a kick turn before touching the wall with my hand first from backstroke to breast stroke during my 200 mtr medley. I was disqualified. I missed a podium placement, maybe silver, maybe a bronze. Do I care? Do I not care? I care but I don’t want to care. I should not care. It only serves my ego. No one else cares. Do you care of I have 6 medals or 5 medals? No. I regret that I didn’t remember the turn rules. I regret that I hesitated and I choose the incorrect turn. I regret that I didn’t take the safe route. Now I am committed to free myself of my regrets. Who cares? No one but my ego. Plus, there are 5 medals to celebrate. I have heart to heart experiences to celebrate. I have new friends and new connections to celebrate. I have a break through to celebrate. I have a club that sponsors my swim race to celebrate. So… free Ceylan free.
